Part 1 of My Life

I was born and named, but I wasnt supposed to make it. I was loved and claimed, but still, I wasnt supposed to make it. I was born In West Philadelphia to a seventeen year old girl who had epilepsy and a father who had a drug and alcohol addiction. My mother only lived eight months after I was born. I never knew her nor could I remember seeing her face, yet I found myself crying for her many nights. This void in my life was supposed to destroy me and I wasnt supposed to make it. It was March 5th 1975 when my mother died in her sleep. You can say that my father died that day also because he was the one who found my mother in her forever sleep. He was so torn that drugs and alcohol replaced me and in that brief moment I was mother and fatherless. I know that it must have been very hard coming in and finding your wife dead a week after you just celebrated your 1 year Wedding Anniversary (February 23) . Unable to deal with the pain, he continued in his addiction and sold his soul to lust and drugs. He remained in bondage for my entire childhood. I grew up without an example of a real man in my life and as I searched for love I always wound up finding pain. I was raised by my mothers mother and she did the best that she could. She raised me along with my two older cousins who were boys. Their mother died six months after my mother in the same year! She was only 23 at the time of her death. My Grandmother was not young at that time when she took all of us. She was 62 years old, but very strong. My cousins were three and five. When I turned 13 I started to seek love in other directions because my Grandmother no longer accepted me for who I was or who I was becoming. She said things to me at times that caused scars that no one on earth could heal. For example; I was called a slut when I was still a virgin. I searched for anyone and anything to fill what she emptied, yet I always found myself in pools of pain. I started getting drunk and was sent away to live with my Dad at the age of 14. I returned home to Philly within ten months. No best friend would keep me, no guy would love me, and not many would accept me. I just wasnt supposed to make it. I can still hear the strong yet powerless voices, Why bother going to school, youll still be dumb? You arent worth nothing and youll never be nothing! Its funny how you start to believe others and their opinions become you facts about yourself. If for a second you believe you can be some body you quickly tell yourself youre lying because everyone cant be wrong. Then your goals seem unobtainable and your dreams seem unreachable. You have this strong desire, but youre so drained from all the ridicule, criticism, and being unaccepted, that you lack the energy you need to climb the steps to success. That was me, I had so many dreams. I believed in me and my piers did also, it was when I stopped receiving from my Grandmother that I shut down. When I knew she couldnt stand who I was becoming something with in me gave up and died. I know she did her best to love me, but there were times when she would get so frustrated with me that she would lash out at me with harsh and hurtful words. Slut, whore, tramp, dumb, fool, these words were suppose to remind me of who I was. I wanted to believe different and searched deeper and harder for someone and anyone to make me feel better about myself. Acceptance became my God. I grew to nearly hate My Grandmother because she didn’t display her love in a way that I could see. I searched for a love to replace hers and that only led me to attempt suicide. My older cousin Ira Gibson became addicted to drugs as a result of having my father as a role model. He would steal everything from phones, to transpasses, to meat from the freezer. If I spoke up, I was beat up. I can count two black eyes, and many horrible nights. He sold his soul to drugs and lust and died at the same age as his mother (23). I hated my Grandmother for allowing him to live with us and hurt me so bad. I thought she must have loved him more because she didnt protect me from him. On my search for love, I found a guy who was not what or who he said he was. All I wanted was love, and all he had was lies. I believed that it was possible for someone to see good in me. I believed that it was possible for someone to love and accept me for who I was, and I believed it was him. His lies made me feel wanted, special, important, needed and some how complete. Although our entire three and a half year relationship was built on lies, it made me feel cared for. He was the first and only guy that stayed around after sexual intercourse, and although he did something every week to cause me to want to leave him, he would promise me hed die without me. He would fall to his knees begging, crying, (literally) and promising me change. The words were powerful but it was the tears that made me stay. After about six months in the relationship things got real crazy. Abuse became a normal way of communicating. I cant even remember the first hit because there were so many fights. Being as though I was raised with two boys I was no punk, so I always fought back. He pushed, I kicked, he slapped, I scratched, he grabbed, and I punched. It was terrible. I never even realized that I was reliving the life that my mother and father had. Here was the cycle continuing. Even after all of the disrespect, fighting and cheating, I stayed. He made me believe that no one else would love or accept me. No one but him. He also used verbal abuse to tear my self esteem down and with all the STDs he had given me, why would some one want me? Wed break up almost every two months or so and end up back together. Hit after hit, fight after fight, girl after girl. I cried and cried but lacked the strength and courage to leave. I use to pray that I would just die and never wake again. I wanted to escape but I thought I lacked the will power to leave. I had what it took to leave, but I choose to stay and believed his lies. I moved into my own apartment at 18 and that didn’t work out. I had to leave him because I was laying awake at night planning how I would murder him in his sleep. I left but I couldn’t separate myself from him totally. And at the age of 19 I was pregnant. At that time we were not going together but we still slept together. I was not going to keep my baby because I didnt want any connections to him. I made three different appointments to have an abortion but due to financial issues it never took place. By the time the money became available I was already convinced by his tears to keep our baby. I thought it was rather strange that he wanted me to keep our child. Because when I was 5 months pregnant he put his hands on me. Being the fool that I was, I took him back and nothing changed. Through out my entire pregnancy he had unprotected sex with numbers of woman, yet he wanted this baby. I was not in the dark about his cheating and I cried nearly everyday. Only God kept my son alive and healthy, because if it was left up to my stress he might not have made it. I regretted keeping my baby at that time because more and more I realized that I would be doing everything all alone. I knew I had to run from that relationship. It was only a matter of time. My poor Grandmother had to watch all this all over again and she hated that I wouldnt listen to her. After having my son, I started to feel needed, loved, and accepted. My son brought me strength and joy. More and more I started to believe that I was a beautiful person and that it was possible for someone to really love me. The love that I had for my son was not shared by his father so that made it easier to leave him. One day he just became so unattractive that I couldnt even bear to see his face. So after one more night out of him cheating on me it was finally over, forever. Or so I thought. I wound up pregnant again by him and got an abortion at 5 1/2 months. I left him for good shortly after that. That relationship was another trick that was suppose to destroy my life, my confidence, my dreams and my being. I was supposed to either die by his hand or commit suicide and I wasnt supposed to make. The struggle, the pain and the obstacles that lied in front of me were endless. It took another year before I could fully get this fool out of my system. When I received enough physical, verbal, and mental abuse I moved on to a few more abusive relationships. I didnt stay around as long because I began to know, and not just think that I deserved better. After being kicked down so low I tried things to lift me high, like weed, alcohol, dust, Xanax, volumes, and prescription cough syrup. I thought being so high could keep me from feeling my pain. I can remember 4 car accidents but there may have been more. I wasn’t supposed to live through all of this in the devils eyes. When my Grandmother died in July of 1996, it was time to answer the Lords constant call. It was at her funeral that I chose to give my life to Him, but I still had a far and long road to travel. Somehow I remained in bondage and the devil kept getting victory instead of GOD. Then when I hit the bottom of rock bottom I was freed. I was in a homeless shelter and I received some very serious counseling. I realized that I didnt have a problem with men or sex. The problem was that I had made ACCEPTANCE my God, and My Lord was not going to settle for 2nd place. It wasnt easy and I had fall after fall. Yet, staying in His Word (The Bible), Church, Bible Study, Revival, Ministry, Sunday School, Biblical Education Classes, Prayer Meeting, Fellowships, and on my knees, I learned to put HIM 1st over everything and kill my flesh. That is, refuse to give in to what it wanted and still wants. I was actually kicked out of the homeless shelter due to my lack of falling into the perfect zone and it has been all good since then! GOD used that experience to get me ready for the next phase in my walk and I have not looked back since. I learned that I had to put GOD 1st and HIS will for my life and now today I am free. I have a wonderful best friend who is also my HUSBAND, and an awesome son! We own our home in a beautiful suburban area, and I am walking in Gods light and shinning every where we go! And despite the odds, I MADE IT!